Don't Lie to Your Child, Especially About Your Feelings

Even if the experts say otherwise

I recently heard from a mother who was getting the full-on shitty treatment from her gender-questioning teenager. She was horrified, but afraid to tell her daughter the truth about how it all made her feel.

Here, my opinion differs a bit from the “expert” parent advocates on the gender issue, who tend to advise parents “never let them see you sweat.” I think that’s crap, and say so. Maybe advising people to pretend they’re not human seems reasonable from the security of a plush office. But for those of us with skin in the game it’s not possible, let alone advisable.

How are we supposed to teach our children how to work through their feelings honestly and openly if we don’t model that process ourselves?

How are we supposed to remind our children that their immediate, intense feelings are not the only thing in the universe; if we don’t remind them that other people also are entitled to feelings, and that those feelings are sometimes negatively impacted when one treats them with complete disregard?

This was my advice to that mother:

I guarantee that your daughter *already* knows how you feel, so any attempt to hide it on your part will be sensed by her as inauthenticity on your part. And rightly so.

This is all occurring according to a script that's been drummed into her head. She is the one being inauthentic, and the only way to bring her toward truth is by example.

That doesn't mean it'll be easy and free of pushback and heartache. But if you're going to take some punches, take them on behalf of the truth.

Don't jeopardize your close bond by pretending you don't care that she's hurting herself. That would be the worst thing.

Remember, she's a teenager, so it's natural for her to be pissy and even want to hurt you at her age. It's part of the process of differentiation. If it weren't for the gender cult she'd be doing it in a more normal way, but at the end of this there is still a normal need to be a separate person. Like any kid, your daughter is both frightened and intrigued by that prospect. All teenage girls want to hug and kill their moms from moment to moment, sometimes at the same time.

The trick is to help your daughter find a way to do that that's true to herself.

The truth doesn't have to be written on a letter or hidden from people, and she knows it.

Another thing that's important to do is to make her take responsibility. Avoid *any* apologies or justifications unless you mean them. Don't apologize for your feelings, because your feelings are yours and that's an excellent way to counter trans ideology's teachings that kids should adopt certain behaviors or treatments in order to control how others feel. Remind her that people can love or hate her, cheer her or weep for her, no matter what she wears or what her surgical scars, and there isn't a damn thing she can do about it, unless they are persuaded by the truth.

You're in for some heavy manipulation, natural to the teenage species, but egged on by an evil ideology. Call *it* what *it* is. Try to separate it from your daughter, remind her who she is at every opportunity, and that you have faith that she can do better. That her teenage feelings of otherness and suffering may be real, and that you are going to help her get through them to the other side, but lies and disregard for others’ feelings won't.